Home for the Holidays???

Last night as we were driving home from visiting Keith's parents we took a small detour and drove by our old house (per the kids request). I'm going to try and express the impressions I've been having related to this visit and hope it will be cathartic for me. So, please bear with me and my ramblings.

As I have drudged my way through the weeks since we moved, I've come to an important realization....I completely overestimated my readiness to begin a new chapter in my life. In fact, I completely forgot to get ready. I spent so much time preparing my kids, talking to them about the changes that would take place and assuring them that everything would fall into place and turn out just fine that I didn't take a thought to preparing myself for what lay ahead.

There have been days this month that I've just wanted to move back to our old home; to be able to see familiar faces both around the neighborhood and at church, to know where anything was around the house and to have my old routine back, not to have to drive the kids to school and to have friends of mine and my kids that I trusted and felt comfortable with. Also I've missed strange things like knowing which light switch turns on which light, walking down the stairs without all the lights on because I instinctively know how many steps it is, and knowing how long something will take to bake or cook on my stove. I know I'm looney.

But there's no going back and deep down I really know our family is where we are supposed to be. I'm slowly starting to recognize people I have met and teaching Sunbeams yesterday was much better than last week. Then a comment Keith made last night caught my attention. As we pulled away from our old house he said something to the effect of "I feel so much better driving past that house now. We have a lot of great memories from living there, but it's not our home anymore. So, are you ready to go home?" He immediately realized that I didn't quite feel the same way.

One of the things I remember telling Rachael and Dustin as we told them about the move was that it didn't matter where we went, where we lived or where our house was. What matters is that we'll always be together and wherever that is, will be home. Was I lying? Why can't I feel that way inside? What will it take? I still feel like I'm playing house in someone else's home with possessions that look an awfully lot like mine. Will tomorrow be the day that I wake up and feel comfortable in my bedroom? When will this changeover take place for me so I can truly feel like our new house is our new "home"?

Then last night I had another thought. Maybe I need to have some big or special occasion to break in this house and start new traditions while maintaining the old ones. In which case, could the upcoming holidays help ease this strange aching I have in my heart? Does this sound crazy? Anyway, I am looking forward to Thanksgiving this week. Hopefully my favorite holiday will help me bring my struggles into focus and put all things I have to be grateful for to the forefront of my mine. Guess we'll just have to wait and see.